The Why’s and Wherefores of Emotion Coaching
Now that we’re in an era where people put a lot of emphasis on grades and test scores, it has become more important to try our very best to help nurture and teach our children how to become emotionally intelligent individuals. Emotion coaching is all about helping your child learn about feelings, relationships, social behavior and the world around him/her. Emotion coaching helps children regulate their emotions and develop the ability to soothe themselves.
Children who are able to balance their positive and negative emotions well are rated by teachers to be more friendly and assertive and less aggressive and sad. Such children are also able to respond more pro-socially to peers’ emotions, and are seen as more likable by their peers. This emotional competency is thus important to help form and maintain friendships.
Parenting styles and the importance of emotion coaching
Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist who has studied parenting emotion philosophies identified three types of parents who fail to teach their kids emotional intelligence and they are:
- Dismissing parents, who disregard, ignore, or trivialise children’s negative emotions;
- Disapproving parents, who are critical of their children’s displays of negative feelings and may scold or punish them for emotional expression; and
- Relaxed parents, who accept their children’s emotions and empathise with them, but fail to offer guidance or set limits on their children’s behavior.
In contrast, parents who are able to validate and label their child’s emotions and model expressed emotions, are found to be related to a child’s ability to succeed in the preschool classroom.
It is noted that children who at age 5 receive emotion coaching, (i.e. the ability to talk about emotions while having them), are not overly emotional with their peers at age 8 because they have developed the skills to handle situations appropriately. These children are typically more aware of their emotions, and can regulate their upset feelings more easily through their actions and behaviours.
How can I emotion coach my child?
The key to effective emotion coaching is the strength of the relationship between you and your child.
Dr John Gottman and his research colleagues uncovered five steps in their studies of successful parent-child interaction:
- Acknowledge your children’s feelings.
- Help them to name the feelings, allow them to experience their feelings, and stay with them while they experience the feelings.
- Listen while trying not to divert their attention away from their feelings nor scold them for feeling that way.
- Respect their feelings and let them know that their feelings/wishes are valid.
- Set behavioral limits, discuss goals, and offer strategies to your child for dealing with situations that trigger negative emotions.
Before responding to your child, it’s a good idea to ask yourself, “Will what I’m about to do help me connect with my child and help him/her cope better with similar situations both in the present and in the future?”
Connection and closeness are crucial to a strong parent-child relationship. It is the context for all your interactions.
Winnie Keung, Psy.D., M.A., B.S.S. is a Clinical Psychologist at HOME Psychological Services